a heart to heart

momma, this is from me to you.
I honestly wish that tomorrow some accident will occur, and maybe I can be lucky enough to pass away. I hope that someone will do the duty, and put me out of my misery. I hope that once I am dead, I can be reunited with my one, and only once again. I can only hope that some miracle of death can bring me back to happiness, and that this death can bring me you. Personally death can be a selfish thing, but the only person I would be disappointing is my grandmother, and the doctor. I truly believe dad could care less if I were to die. The way he acts now towards my feelings is horrific, and cruel. If I were dead maybe he would realize that my life isn't as easy, and effortless as he thinks. I believe that he would realize how difficult, and challenging my life is, and how many depressing emotions run through my body. I have so many flaws, that I can barely take a couple mean jokes. I cry, and try to shake off the rude, rude comments that people just say, as if it was not harmful, but really is hurtful, and I wish they would comprehend.
I don't want to die because of rude bullies, I want to die because I have nothing to live for. I have nothing, but nana, and the doctor. It seems like nothing I do will ever be good enough, or perfect. I am judged, and my emotions take over and I can't control them. I cant control anything. I wish for everything. I wish to be pretty, I wish to have a mother, I wish to be skinny, I wish to be rich, I wish to be everything I am not. It is me that is so engulfed over the fact I want to change everything, but I cant. I want to change, but change comes with an explanation, and a pay check, two of which I don't have, or just don't want to give.